Cherish
by 08182001
Summary: Quinn thinks that she could be very good for Rachel. Now if only she could get Rachel to see that.


Set during 3x13 - Valentine's Day episode. Part 1 of four planned parts built around 3x13 and 3x14.

* * *

"Q, meet us outside in five minutes."

"Sure, Mercedes. I just need to use the restroom."

Five minutes later, Quinn Fabray was staring into the bathroom mirror as she washed her hands. She had agreed to join the God Squad because Mercedes and Sam were friends and Joe had joined Glee. Friends helped friends. Her relationship with God had taken a big hit when her parents (ok, really it was her religious zealot of a father) had kicked her out. She still believes in God, but they are definitely not on speaking terms yet. She is beginning to wonder if she ever will be.

 _God? I sometimes wonder if you ever cared about me._

The God Squad decided to hold a fundraiser by delivering "vocal Valentine's" to McKinley's student body. It hadn't been overly popular; nothing Glee-related ever was. They had received just one request - Finn. For Rachel, of course. Quinn had been livid when she saw it, but took her anger out on Finn in the form of his $200 donation to the God Squad. Hey, he didn't need to know that the gospel choir from Joe's church was doing this for free.

 _I suppose that I should feel a little bad - That was probably all the money he had saved up for the "wedding."_

Her smirk faded as her thoughts shifted to Rachel. Trying to get Rachel to see the mistake she was making marrying Finn was just so exhausting. Rachel could do so much better, but she was hiding behind the familiar, uncomplicated love of Finn Hudson. The future was becoming a little too real apparently.

Truth be told, most of the seniors at William McKinley felt the same way. It was natural to be apprehensive. Graduation meant an end to the way their lives had been for … well … their entire lives. The idea that you would have to make your own way in the world without the safety net of parents and school would scare (should scare) anyone.

Quite a few McKinley seniors were bound for college in the fall. They would leave tiny Lima, Ohio behind and probably never return, except for holiday visits to family and the occasional reunion. Even then, most would end up at one of the many colleges and universities in Ohio. They might move a couple hours away from family, but they still wouldn't leave the comfort of their home state. Only a brave few, like Quinn and Rachel, would travel to a big city like New York or end up at a prestigious university like Yale.

Most of the seniors would graduate and stick around Lima, working in the surrounding farming communities or at the Lima Army Tank Plant. They would probably take a few classes at OSU-Lima or maybe some online courses from one of those colleges you see advertised on TV. Eventually, most would get a degree of some sort, but they would stick close to home and family. They'd get married, raise their children, grow old and die in Lima, Ohio. Quinn knew that's what Finn wanted, really wanted. He was comfortable in Lima. Finn wasn't brave and he wasn't destined for great things. High school was his Everest.

But, Rachel was different. Everybody knows that she is destined for greatness. Rachel had spent most of her life knowing exactly what she wanted. She had strength and dignity that put most grown adults to shame. She had taken all of the shit that the provincial minds of Lima could throw at her because of who raised her. She was the bravest person that Quinn had ever met.

And yet Rachel was so desperate to be loved; desperate to be wanted that her fear seemed to be winning out. Maybe she really did think Finn would make a life with her in New York or that her star power would lift him out of Lima with her. After all, Glee Club had ridden Rachel's coattails to Nationals last year and would probably do so again this year!

As dumb as Finn could be, he was always expressing his love for Rachel and that always seemed to make up for his failings as a boyfriend. It also seemed to make Rachel miss the signs of impending doom in their relationship. Quinn has tried reasoning with Rachel. She had tried to make Rachel see the light, just as Rachel had done for her.

 _Of course, Quinnie, you've got to admit that you're hiding a lot from her. Maybe you should have a little courage as well. There is one tactic you haven't tried …._

With that a thought popped into her head.

Her phone buzzed. **Where R U?** \- Mercedes

 **Coming. Srry.** \- Q

She quickly straightened her skirt out and ran out to join the God Squad. As she did so, an idea started to form in her brain.

 _Maybe you're right. Maybe all I need is a little courage … and the right song._

* * *

If Quinn had been distracted during lunch and Finn's vocal Valentine, she didn't show it. Of course, all she was really asked to do was sway in the background. When she'd taken Rachel's hand to escort her to the stairs for the finale, Quinn was even more certain that her new plan might work. Or, at the very least, give Rachel something to think about.

Reasoning with Rachel hadn't worked because Rachel was a sucker for big romantic gestures. Logic and solid facts had never phased her before and they wouldn't now. Of course, Quinn used logic and reason to keep herself from thinking too hard about her emotions. If fear was driving Rachel into Finn's loving arms, then fear was keeping Quinn from admitting certain things to herself (or at least admitting them out loud).

 _Time to change that._

Most people assumed that Quinn's craziness at the beginning of the year was just Quinn finally rebelling after being liberated from the religious nutjob that was Russell Fabray. Most of Glee (and Rachel) thought that it had something to do with Beth. Not one of them knew the truth, though … okay … it had a little to do with Beth. But, not in the way anyone thought it might. Beth had caused Quinn's facade to crack.

If the McKinley seniors were starting to fear for their future, Quinn was looking forward to finally living free. If Beth hadn't come along, then Quinn would've continued to plan for that future she'd told Rachel about last year while writing their original song: a Lima real estate agent with boring Finn Hudson as a husband and 2.5 children, living in a nice house with a yard and a picket fence. She would have firmly pounded into the dust any emotions that she might have had for the sake of safety and family.

Beth had destroyed that certainty … and thank God she did. Sure, Quinn had tried to get back to "normal" last year. What a disaster! New York and Rachel had finally convinced her to leave the facade behind … which is how the pink hair, nose ring, and (fake) tattoo of Ryan Secrest happened. She had finally found her center again around Rachel and Glee. Of course, not before trying to frame Shelby for screwing around (literally!) with Puck. Now that she was free to live her life (once she left Lima), she needed to let Rachel know that it was okay to live her dreams as well.

 _Be brave, Quinn. It's time to start living your dreams, too. If you can't tell her the truth, then what hope do you have!_

With all of this running through her head, she excused herself from early from lunch to drop a note in Rachel's locker. A note that would hopefully lead Rachel back to her courage and off to New York. A note that just might set Quinn free at long last.

* * *

Rachel opened her locker with a smile on her face. Finn's vocal Valentine had been spectacular. She really was glad to be marrying him … most of the time (maybe?). She had been avoiding Quinn mostly because she aroused the lingering (okay … massive) doubts that Rachel held. Doubts that told her that marrying Finn was not her destiny. Quinn always seemed to challenge Rachel's sense of the world, even when she was telling her to pursue her dreams. It always seemed that Quinn thought that Rachel couldn't have it all. Broadway, a leading man who was her high school sweetheart, children (after her career was established, probably mid-30s), and a trophy case filled with awards.

Of course, Quinn had participated in Finn's vocal Valentine … so maybe Quinn was coming around. She'd stopped harassing Rachel in the halls and the bathroom. She really seemed to be happy with getting into Yale and leaving tiny Lima behind. Quinn's success made Rachel even more happy, since Quinn had tried so hard to overcome her Queen bitch persona and teen pregnancy drama. Maybe since Quinn was happy, she had realized that Rachel should at least try to have it all. After all, Rachel had no doubt that Quinn would achieve her dreams. (She was privately - and at times, not so privately - Quinn's biggest cheerleader!)

Rachel was so caught up in her thoughts about and for the blonde that she nearly missed the note in her locker. As she pulled her trigonometry book from her locker, the folded notebook paper fell at her feet. She reached down and picked it up. It was decorated with tiny hearts and, on the front with delicate script, were the words:

To my Rachel

Happy Valentine's Day

I'm sending all my love - Q

 _OK … That's weird. Quinn sent me a Valentine … and a romantic one at that. What the heck?_

She opened it up and inside was even more confusing.

You gave light to my soul

You helped me to be whole

I have felt love for you before

And it will be more and more

You are mine, my dear

You are the angel from above

Who taught me how to love.

Please, forever keep me near.

My dearest Rachel,

I know that you are probably confused and wondering if I have reverted to my evil ways; if this is some kind of trick. I wish that I knew how to show you that I am sincere. I've tried so hard to be your friend, but I need to be honest with you.

Please, please, please, come to the choir room after school. I need to level with you … and, if Finn is still your choice, then I'll respect it.

Quinn

And for the first time that Rachel could remember, she said, "What the fuck?"

* * *

By the end of school, Rachel was pissed. Her day had started out so well. No one made fun of her clothing. (Actually, no one had made fun of it for a while if she thought about it, which she didn't.) She aced her Chemistry test, putting her even with Quinn in the race for valedictorian. Her loving boyfriend … fiance … had pulled off the perfect romantic Valentine gift. She was looking good and feeling good.

Then, Quinn went turned it into … well, shit, was the only word that Rachel could think of. Quinn had put together such a beautiful gift. It stirred up feelings in her that she thought that she firmly under control. Thoughts that she shouldn't be having. She was engaged to Finn Hudson, her dreamy leading man. He was perfect for her. Well … okay … maybe not perfect. He really didn't like the same things that she did. He couldn't keep up with her in a conversation. Rachel knew that Finn didn't really want to move to New York. Because, unlike her, he wasn't really all that subtle.

 _But, he can change. Right?_

 _Of course, if he can change, so can I! Childhood dreams are just that. Childish!_

 _But, your dreams aren't childish, Rachel. They're real, very real. If you stop being afraid ..._

 _Stop it, Rachel! No one needs to change._

 _And yet ..._

Finn had been dropping hints for weeks that he had job opportunities here in Lima … and … that it'd be nice to stay close to home for a while. Maybe they could help out with Glee club. Or maybe they could go to California and Finn could help Puck with his pool business. Finn really seemed lost and uncertain about everything, except her.

Rachel knew that Pace was a long-shot. Hell, OSU-Lima was probably a long-shot for Finn. No, Finn was probably not going to college … which meant that he was going to have to find something to do in New York while she was in class. Deep down Rachel knew that Finn didn't like New York and really didn't want to leave the comforts of Lima. She also knew that Finn would eventually force her to make a choice: her dreams or him. Deep down, she really knew this, but was studiously ignoring it.

 _Maybe if I ignore it hard enough, it'll go away. I mean he loves me after all._

 _No! Stop it! You love him and that's enough. Love conquers all … right?_

 _Damn it, Quinn! Why now?_

And with those thoughts running through her head, she reached the choir room and turned the door handle.

* * *

Quinn had skipped fourth period (it was English - Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter; she'd read three times already!) to get ready for her big romantic gesture. She was going to put herself out on limb.

 _And Rachel will probably saw it off behind me and laugh! God, this is so stupid! What was I thinking?_

She blew out a slow breath as she slowly unclenched her fists and stopped pacing back and forth.

 _Calm down. Rachel won't laugh at you. She might not give you the answer that you want, but she won't laugh. Just be brave a little longer, Quinn._

Everything was finally finished. The choir room had been converted into a dance hall, not unlike the gym at Prom. But, if this was like Prom, then the theme was Rachel. Quinn had pulled out all the stops and now she just waited …

* * *

Rachel's jaw dropped as she walked through the door. It looked just like last year's prom, except in greens and yellows. On top of the piano in the corner sat a vase full of gardenias. It was beautiful and so very Quinn. But, most stunning of all were the drawings posted on the walls. Rachel could tell that they were from Quinn's notebook. Everyone knew that Quinn doodled in her notebook when she got bored, but nobody (or at least nobody that Rachel knew) had ever seen them. Quinn was very private about her artwork. Rachel had always assumed it was because Quinn drew caricatures that weren't very flattering. Rachel had caught Quinn drawing one of her last year.

But, as Rachel drew closer, realized that these weren't caricatures. They were still lifes drawn from memory mostly. What really surprised Rachel is that the figures in all of the drawings were female. In fact …

"They're all of you," Quinn called out from the doorway to Schue's office. Rachel jumped, startled by Quinn's voice across the room. Rachel turned around to look at Quinn and her breath caught in her throat.

Quinn was wearing a full-length red strapless gown. The bodice was cut in a vaguely Asian-style floral pattern. It had an empire waist and ruffles flowing from there to the floor. Quinn was stunning! Rachel always knew that Quinn was the prettiest girl at McKinley, but this took her beauty to the next level. For some reason, Rachel's mouth suddenly went dry. All she could say was, "Why?"

"Why are they all of you? Or why the decorations?"

"Both. Quinn, you're really confusing me right now. It's actually scarier than when you used to slushy me," Rachel responded.

"I can answer that question, but, first, I need to tell you something. Please come sit down." Quinn pointed towards Rachel's usual front row seat. Rachel did as she was asked and sat down. Meanwhile, Quinn had opened the side door that led to the auditorium. Several members of the band and Brad, the pianist, entered. As they all moved to their places, Quinn returned to the center of the room and looked down at the floor.

As the music started, Quinn's head slowly came up and her eyes locked on Rachel.

"Cherish is the word I use to describe

All the feeling that I have

Hiding here for you inside"

Rachel recognized the opening lines of Cherish by The Association. Old school '60s sunshine pop. _So very Quinn_ , thought Rachel. The thought caused her to smile.

"You don't know how many times

I've wished that I had told you

You don't know how many times

I've wished that I could hold you

You don't know how many times

I've wished that I could

Mold you into someone who could

Cherish me as much as I cherish you"

Rachel was back to confused as she listened to the lyrics. _Quinn wanted to hold her? What was going on?_

"Perish is the word that more than applies

To the hope in my heart each time I realize

That I am not gonna be the one

To share your dreams

That I am not gonna be the one

To share your schemes

That I am not gonna be the one to share what

Seems to be the life that you could

Cherish as much as I do yours"

 _What was going on? Wasn't I just thinking this morning about how Quinn thought I wasn't going to have it all? Now she seems to think otherwise._

"Oh, I'm beginning to think that man has never found

The words that could make you want me

That have the right amount of letters

Just the right sound

That could make you hear, make you see

That you are drivin' me out of my mind"

"Oh, I could say I need you

But then you'd realize

That I want you

Just like a thousand other _gals_

Who'd say they loved you

Like all the rest of their lies

When all they wanted

Was to touch your face your hands

And gaze into your eyes"

Rachel noticed the word change. _What? She wants me? What the fuck?_

"Cherish is the word I use to describe

All the feeling

That I have hiding here for you inside

You don't know how many times

I've wished that I had told you

You don't know how many times

I've wished that I could hold you

You don't know how many times

I've wished that I could

Mold you into someone who could

Cherish me as much as I cherish you"

"And I do

Cherish you

And I do

Cherish you"

"Cherish is the word"

The music faded out. Quinn and the band finished as they began; Quinn's head facing the floor. The band packed up and quickly left the choir room; no doubt that had better places to be.

Both girls collected their thoughts as the band packed and left. Neither wanted to break the silence, but when Rachel heard a sniffle from Quinn, she knew that she'd have to speak first.

"Quinn? Are you okay?" Quinn kept looking at the floor and didn't acknowledge Rachel.

Rachel rose from her seat and stood in front of Quinn. "Quinn, look at me." She put her hand to Quinn's chin and slowly brought her head up to look at Rachel. Tears were streaming down Quinn's face, but she was smiling. Without warning, she put her arms around Rachel and hugged her tight. Like maybe her life depended upon catching Rachel and not letting go.

 _Maybe it does_ , Quinn thought to herself. _Maybe it does._

"What's up with you," asked Rachel.

"I think that I just needed to say it out loud."

"Say what, Quinn. You're not making any sense today. First, you help Finn with his vocal Valentine. I thought that maybe you'd accepted our engagement. But, then, you left that Valentine card, which was really sweet by the way. You're not still depressed, are you? I mean you tortured Puck all year and then went after Shelby. You're not coming after me now. Are you?"

"No, Rach. I'm not depressed. Not anymore. I'm not sure that I was ever really depressed, so much as confused … about a lot of things. And, to answer your second question, I guess that depends on one's perspective," Quinn said, smiling at the end of her answer.

"You know I almost didn't come here. I'm mad at you. How could you," asked Rachel, switching subjects.

"How could I … what?"

"How could you do this! Prey on my anxieties and insecurities!"

"What do you have to be insecure about? You'll graduate in May, marry Finn, and be off to New York to live the perfect life. Why would my actions make you insecure?"

 _Yeah, Rachel. Why does Quinn make you insecure? She hasn't slushied you since joining Glee. In fact, you two have grown closer. Why are you reacting like this?_

"I don't know," Rachel shouted out in frustration, as much with Quinn as her own thoughts.

"Well, then. Let's start over. Shall we," Quinn offered as she took Rachel's hand and led her back to the seats. "When you look around this room, what do you see?"

Rachel let her eyes sweep over the room. "I see you. Your artwork, your favorite colors, the gardenias, your flowers from Prom. This is all you."

Quinn smirked as she listened to Rachel's answer. "Then look deeper, Rach. Doesn't it seem strange to you that all this artwork is about you? And yellow and green aren't my favorite colors. Blue is. But, I always get the nicest compliments from you when I wear them. You tell me that they bring out my eyes. Which means that you're really looking at me. All my boyfriends would say that my eyes are brown. But, you looked deeply enough and closely enough to tell me that green and yellow bring out the hazel in my eyes. As for the gardenias … well, they were nicest gift I ever got from you."

"I never gave you flowers."

"No, Finn did. For prom last year. He might be a sucker for romantic songs, but we both know that he sucks in the details department. I know that you helped him pick out my corsage. It was the best gift he ever gave me. Knowing that it was all your idea made it even better."

Rachel smiled. She liked knowing that she had made Quinn happy. She always wanted to make Quinn happy. That's why Quinn's opposition to Finn and her getting married hurt so much. And why Rachel kept trying to convince Quinn that this what she wanted.

 _Or, at least, it's what I think that I want. Yes. Yes. I want to marry Finn … I think._

"Look, Rachel." Quinn reached under her seat and pulled out her notebook. "Would it surprise you to know that no one has ever seen my sketches? Not even my parents?"

"I know that you are a private person, so I guess that it shouldn't surprise me. But, really, your parents haven't seen any of your sketches?"

"No. They haven't. Ever. I used to be too embarrassed to show them off. That I wasn't talented enough. When I came to McKinley, I didn't show them to anyone because I was a bitch and they were mine! But, I want you to see them … and maybe finally to see me."

Rachel started looking through the notebook. She saw many of the same sketches that adorned the walls currently. But, there were also sketches of Santana and Brittany, both separately and together. There were a few of Tina and one or two of Mercedes. There were several of Sugar even and many of the Cheerios. Quinn also had some landscapes and several of Beth. One or two park scenes made into the notebook as well. Rachel was about half way through the notebook when she stumbled upon it. A sketch of Santana and Brittany together. Like together, together. They were kissing each other. Quinn had managed to convey the idea that the two girls had been making out for a while. It was … hot. The next few pages were more drawings of random Cheerios, but again Rachel saw her own portrait sketch mixed in. Then another one. Only instead of Santana and Brittany, it was Rachel and another girl. She held the notebook up to Quinn.

"This never happened."

"I never said it did. Doesn't mean that I didn't want it to. For that matter, it doesn't mean that I still don't want it to," Quinn responded. "You should check out the last page."

Rachel flipped to the back of the book. For the second time since she arrived, her jaw dropped. The sketch reminded Rachel of the one that Jack made of Rose in Titanic. Except, instead of Rose, the subject was Rachel. Since Quinn had never seen her naked, Rachel guessed that this must be how Quinn imagined she'd look.

 _Oh, my God,_ thought Rachel, as heat rushed to her face and she averted her eyes.

"How long," she asked quietly.

"How long have I known that I'm … g-gay," Quinn responded, stumbling over the last word. She mentally cursed herself for the flub.

 _Damn it! If I can't say it in front of Berry, I'll never be able to say it._

"Yes."

"Since New York. I mean I always knew that I was drawn to girls more than guys, but I just assumed it was because of Cheerios or because I wasn't popular in middle school. Girls envied me and suddenly wanted to be me. I guess that I thought it was natural to want to be with them, too. But, when Finn kissed you on that stage, it broke me, Rach."

"What do mean it broke you? You were shocked I know that. So was everyone, but you certainly didn't look heartbroken," Rachel practically shouted. _Although she did hold back Santana when she tried to kill me … and I thought that she might let Santana kill Finn._

"You may not have seen it on the outside. Hell … I didn't even realize what it was myself. But, when he kissed you on stage in New York … something finally clicked inside me. Like all of these separate pieces finally coming together. That broke me. I avoided you all summer. I avoided S and B as well. They were pissed about that, by the way. I basically locked myself in my bedroom all summer and used drawing to express my feelings."

Quinn rose to her feet and started pacing back and forth.

"In August, I finally embraced this new me in the same way that I embrace all change - in the most disastrous and destructive way possible. Hence, the pink hair, new style, the tattoo - that was fake, by the way - oh, and the smoking. I haven't completely given that one up yet. I still keep a pack in my car and go out there when I'm really stressed."

"Really, Quinn. You know what smoking will do to your lungs …" Quinn cut her rant off before Rachel could get up a head of steam.

"Seriously, Rachel. That's what you took away from this - my smoking habits. I'm telling you something really important here and it might impact the rest of our lives. Focus!"

Rachel's brain was yelling - _But, I don't want to lose you to cancer or … or … wait! What?_

Quinn was yelling by the end. Rachel was taken back and quickly stammered out an apology. "S-s-sorry, Quinn." Quinn closed her eyes and silently counted to 10 as Rachel collected her thoughts. "So, you realized that you were gay this summer, but you didn't tell anybody."

"That's right. You may not have noticed, but I was a little busy having a breakdown."

"And I was there for you, Quinn. I would've helped you." _I'll always be there for you. Again, what? Where did that come from? I mean as a friend. Yeah … a friend. Right?_

"I know, Rach. But, you have to understand that when I say that all the pieces fell into place, I mean, all the pieces. Why I was obsessed with you. Why I always followed you around just to make your life miserable. Why I hated your guts, but couldn't live without you when I got in trouble."

"I thought it was because of Finn." _And maybe at least a little bit for me. Damn it, brain! Cooperate here. I love Finn. But, I've always needed Quinn's approval … Not her approval exactly. Maybe friendship? No, that's not right either._

"Yeah, so did I … until the kiss. When I saw him kiss you, I was jealous. Intensely so. And not at you, but at him. For the first time, I realized that all of my jealousy and hatred wasn't directed so much at you. It was me lashing out at something that I couldn't have - You."

 _There now it's out in the open. Berry can cut me down, reject me, and I can move on._

Except that Rachel didn't reject her. Maybe that would've been better than what she actually did.

Rachel looked at Quinn for a few seconds and then her facial expression changed. For the third time today, her jaw dropped and hung there like Rachel had lost the ability to control it. Something clicked in Rachel's mind.

 _That's what it was. I wanted her! That's why I put with all of that. Maybe someday she'd want me, too. Oh, fuck …._

She did the only thing that she could do. Rachel ran, leaving Quinn alone in the choir room.


End file.
